Desire

For many men, it is nearly impossible to tell when a woman wants to have sex with them. It is in a man's best interest to know the signs of when a woman wants to have sex, so that they don’t look foolish getting shut down and/or getting tasered.

So here is how you can tell when a woman wants to have sex with you:

She says, “I want to have sex with you.”
This is the surest and easiest way to find out. It also usually means that if she’s giving in this easy, it is because no one else will have sex with her or she wants to make babies. Before you engage in the act of love with Lazy Eye Susan or Tranny Janice, put on a condom and check to make she is not sleepwalking.

She says, “I don’t think I should have sex with you.”
Do not confuse this with, “No.” No means no and you should back off. “I don’t think I should have sex with you,” however, is a very tricky phrase because of the "don't think". The woman is saying this because she knows she probably shouldn’t have sex with you and is trying to talk herself out of it. What you should do is follow up with, “You are right… we should not have sex.” Be cool. As the night progresses and you play your cards right, she might change her mind. Or she may mace you.

She asks who you voted for
This question is very tricky and only has one right answer. If you say Obama, she’ll think you are patronizing her and going for the easy lay. If you say McCain, she’ll think you are pathetic and go into how Palin was demonized by the media. You should say, Ron Paul, because chicks dig guys who live dangerously or that are crazy and voting for Paul puts you in both categories.

She reveals her shaved status to you
If a woman, during normal conversation, mentions that she has a landing strip, a patch, an arrow, a Mr. Miagi banzai tree, a heart or a scorned falafel… it means that she wants you to be comfortable with it and to know what to look for on your journey to happy land. If she hands you a tick comb and a machete before you head down south, bail.

She sticks her tongue out at you
I’m not sure why women do this, but be assured that if a woman sticks her tongue out at you in a playful manner, you, my friend, are in luck. I’m not sure if it is the playfulness or the act of revealing a moist body part, but either way, you should make your move. Note, sometimes little girls stick their tongues out at people… The rule does not apply in these situations, idiot.

She invites you to her place
If a woman has class and self-dignity, she’ll couch the invite under the auspices of seeing the fabulous view from her bedroom, her new cute-as-a-button puppy or to drink some trendy, exotic tea. If she’s a dirty-girl-sure-thing or just doesn’t care about her reputation in the community, she’ll simply ask you to come home with her to test all the prime numbers on her Sleep Number Bed. Be extremely wary of any woman who asks you home to see her stamp collection or vast collection of power tools. Be extremely cautious of any chick who requests you to help with some light digging or to exfoliate her “ridged monkey” – you might end up being made into furniture.

She asks you to walk her to her car
You have to treat this one carefully. Sometimes, after a date or a night out with friends, a woman is just looking for someone to walk her to her car. But sometimes she is looking to cull you from the herd, to get you alone, so that she can then ask you back to her place. In rare "walk me to my car" instances, you can get a damsel in distress fuck if, by chance, her car battery is dead and you can give her a jump. You can exponentially increase your chances of success by getting to her car beforehand and disconnecting her battery. When you save the day with your jumper cables and freaky mechanical intuition, she will feel obligated to invite you to her place for a cup of coffee to thank you. After that, it’s up to you, sport.

Sure-Fire
If you’re not having any luck getting a girl to flash you any of the aforementioned green-light signals, perhaps you need to lower your standards. Below are a few sure-fire situations where a woman is almost guaranteed to have sex with you:

She’s 43 or older, divorced and it’s her birthday.

She gives you free video-booth tokens at the porno store.

She has the tell-tale DUI yellow license plates on her car (note that colors vary by state, do your homework).

Every time you order a rum and coke, she mouths the word, “coke,” and starts sniffling.

She has to keep closing one eye to see you clearly at the bar… and she only has one eye.

She has a nickname like Flash, Slick, Lucky, Fast n’ Easy or Ruby.

She weighs less than 80 pounds, has sores on her back and/or can’t stop coughing